Spider in the Slytherin Dorm!
by TheAwesomenessThatIsDumbledore
Summary: A delightful Slytherin-bashing romp, following how various generations of Slytherins responded to discovering a spider in their dorm.


**The other night there was a spider in my room and I tried to Avada Kedavra it for five minutes before my brother came in and stabbed it with his Elder Wand. Thus... inspiration!**

**1.** A loud bang, and then a screech reverberated through the slumbering Slytherin dormitories, leaving startled teenage girls in its wake.

Narcissa Black was holding a candle, pressed up to the stone wall of the dorm. On her face was a look of utmost terror and revulsion, and her eyes were trained on something small and dark on the lush carpet in front of her.

"Dear Merlin, Cissy, what the crap is wrong with you?" A weary, but still lethal, Bellatrix demanded, peering out from behind the curtains of her bed to see what had got her sister's wand in such a knot.

"It's a... it's a... oh my freaking Merlin IT'S A SPIDER!" Her last few words echoed through the room, shattering any possible chance of sleep. A collective groan went up from the dark corners, and a familiar brunette head popped out from the last bed on the row.

"Narcissa, you can't be ser-"

"A SPIDER?!" Bellatrix cried, instantly jerking her legs off of the floor.

"Oh, kill it! Bella, _kill it kill it kill it-" _Narcissa wailed, vibrating gently in her passionate hatred for the arachnid.

Bellatrix fumbled for her wand on the nightstand beside her, then whipped it forward and screeched, "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

A jet of green light shot from her wand, missing the spider by inches. It scuttled away.

Narcissa squealed again, dropping her candle. "Argh it moved! Ohmymerlin SOGROSSSOGROSSSOGROSS-"

The fallen candle tipped over as Narcissa hopped around hysterically, tears running down her face. Just as luck would have it, it ignited the carpet.

If there had been another candle, Cissy would have dropped that too. She skittered away from the tiny tongue of flame, tripping over a broomstick on the floor and toppling with an impressive bang onto the ground. Her wide eyes instantly landed on the spider, now mere inches from her bare feet, and screamed.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Bellatrix tried again, this time striking precariously near her sister. The latter had long since abandoned coherence and instead was letting out a constant, tinny scream that went on for minutes without breath and shattered the eardrums of all who heard it.

Bellatrix leapt off the bed in determination, fixated entirely on the spider even as she hopped spastically around to avoid it, casting a constant stream of Killing Curses.

"Bella, you're going to kill us all!" Andromeda screamed, grabbing her sister from behind and shoving her to the ground. Narcissa was still squealing.

"Let me up! I'll get it! I'll kill it and everything it's ever loved! Let me at it! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA-" Bellatrix's forrm of panic seemed to be a bit more violent than that of Narcissa, who was now crying uncontrollably.

"Andy, it's going to eat me!" She wailed, clutching at the hem of her sister's nightgown. Andromeda was the only one still standing.

"Shut up!" She yelled. Neither of her sisters even paused. "SILENCIO!"

SIlence fell on the dormitories at last. Andromeda paused for a moment, closing her eyes and letting out a deep sigh of disappointment while her sisters clutched desperately at their throats.

"Okay," she muttered, and cast a quick Aguamenti at the fire. Slim tendrils of smoke rose from a small burn mark, but other than that, no harm was done. She smiled gently at the spider, who was now crouched, petrified, in the middle of the room, and Accioed a glass from her nightstand. She crept slowly toward the arachnid, cooing soothingly, and gently lowered the glass over it. Then she quickly slipped a bit of spare parchment from her pocket under cup and spider, lifted it into the air, and freed the spider into the hallway beyond.

Narcissa and Bellatrix were blinking slowly, looking thoroughly scarred. They gave their sister imploring looks, sitting still so she could cast the counter to her SIlencing Charm; but Andromeda didn't even spare them a glance as she climbed back into her bed and blew out her candle.

Silence once again prevailed the girl's dorm. The only sound was a the gentle lapping of the waves on the Black Lake and a far-off whoosh of the Giant Squid. Andromeda sunk deeper into the covers, letting out a sleepy sigh of contentment as the thick warmth of sleep washed over her. Maybe she'd put an Imperturbable Charm on the door tomorrow to keep insects from coming in-

Lucius Malfoy burst into the room screaming, "SOMEONE GET ANDROMEDA, THERE'S A SPIDER IN THE BOY'S DORM!"

**2.** Draco Malfoy mumbled in his sleep and turned over, trying to find a warm spot in the freshly-pressed linen sheets of his bed in the Slytherin boy's dormitory. A loud snore suddenly reverberated from Crabbe's side of the room, and Draco jolted slightly as he was jerked out of sleep. He frowned, muttering expletives under his breath, and wearily cracked open an eye. Just as he was about to reach out a hand to shut the bedcurtains more firmly, he suddenly screamed bloody murder and threw himself backwards, landing on the stone floor with a painful thud.

He lay there on the freezing floor, eyes wide and breathing hard in terror. A light squeal escaped as he squeezed his eyes shut, praying that what he'd just seen was a mere trick of the light. He haltingly picked himself up, wincing at the sore spot on his back, and cracked open an eye. His breathing immediately stopped altogether when he realized that the spider was, in fact, there.

It was black and lanky, about an inch wide, and had been bothering the blonde all night. In between lapses of sleep he'd seen the terrifying beast slowly make its way toward him. It had started out in the far left corner of the ceiling, and then on Theodore Nott's bedpost, and then Goyle's nightstand. And now-Draco checked again, just to make sure this wasn't some sort of horrible nightmare-it seemed to be perfectly content on Draco's pillow.

Now that he had left the bed, it had found the warm valley that used to house his empty head and showed no intention to move. Draco tried very, very hard not to pass out.

"Shoo!" He whispered harshly. "Go away! No one loves you!"

The spider, if spiders can do such a thing, gave him a scathing look and scuttled deeper into its crevice.

Draco had started quivering. "I hate you! My father will hear of this! I can make your life very difficult!"

Amazingly, all of the Slytherin's usual catchphrases had no effect on the hated creature. He decided to resort to more decisive action. Gathering all his feeble courage, he poked the pillow.

The spider didn't even twitch, but Draco leapt approximately five feet in the air and screamed.

"What in name Merlin...?" Came someone's sleepy voice from a dark corner of the room, and Draco was relieved to see Goyle stick a hairy arm out to open his curtains. When it was followed by a brutish face, he could have cried with joy.

"Goyle!" He cried, trying to sound as imperious as normal but still sounding hysterical. "Plea-er, I command you to kill this spider!"

Goyle frowned, the cogs visibly turning in his dull mind as he tried to detect anything irregular about the situation. Middle of the night? Abnormal. Draco's voice unnaturally high? No more than usual, as far as he could tell. Talking like Voldemort? That was pretty common too.

"Why talk kill now night-sleep-time?" Was the response he finally came up with. It was surprisingly eloquent compared to his usual speech.

"Because there's a spider at night-sleep-time. I don't like spiders, and therefore would like you to kill it." Draco said placatingly. When Goyle got confused, he usually simplified things by hitting whatever confused him. Draco did not want to be hit today. He had a Hogsmeade date with Pansy in the morning.

Goyle lumbered across the room, long arms swinging in time like a Neanderthal. "Kill... spider?" He muttered sleepily, a slight frown on his face as he attempted to decipher exactly how one would do such a thing.

"Yes, Goyle. Kill the spider. You may hit it if you'd like." Draco said soothingly. It was hard on Goyle to speak comprehendingly without a lot of training on Draco's part, and he appreciated the effort Goyle was clearly making.

A smile spread across Goyle's face as he registered the command. He liked hitting things.

"Argh!" He cried as he swung a fist into Draco's pillow, feel the spider smush underneath.

"Thank you, Goyle. That was a good spider-hit. You may go back to sleep now." Draco said, patting his ego-boost on the back as he crawled back into bed. Goyle grinned. "Shiny nice star?" He asked hopefully.

"Yes, Goyle. You may help yourself to a star sticker in the morning. But now is night-sleep-time." Draco replied. He started to lay his head back on the pillow, ready for a few more hours of beauty sleep before his date.

Just as he was finally drifting off, the Slytherin stiffened. An image of spider guts squishing through his beloved hair appeared unbidden in his mind. He thought of all the intestines and blood and poop and eyes slowly making their way to each follicle, ruining their pearly sheen and the Bodacious Berry scent of his shampoo. How he loved his shampoo.

His eyes snapped open and he jerked his head upwards, breathing hard. A light whimper escaped.

"I can't sleep!" Draco announced, deciding to make this everyone's problem. "Somebody give me a new pillow!"

Crabbe and Goyle were both sleeping like large, ugly rocks, but Blaise Zabini's head popped out, still in curlers. Cucumbers fell from his eyes, and a frown appeared on the face that was smeared with white cream.

"My pillow is specially imported from France and custom-designed so as not to squish my hair." Blaise explained, and Draco nodded in understanding (and more than a little envy; he had been begging his father for one since the beginning of the school year).

"I need two pillows to keep up circulation. I've developed a heart condition from being constantly beat up." Came Theodore Nott's weak voice from the corner. Draco paused, digesting this information.

"Blaise-clean off my pillow!" He commanded finally.

"I can't." He held up his hands, currently encased in lotion-filled latex gloves. "It would disturb the pore therapy. Yesterday, I found a freckle on the back of my left thumb!" He said with wide eyes.

"I will." Said Theodore, grabbing his wand and muttering _"Scourgify."_ Instantly, the spider remains disappeared.

Draco smiled and laid back down, ready for a good night's rest. But suddenly he froze.

"Theodore?" He whispered. "The pillow still feels dirty."

"Flip it over," came the sleepy reply, so Draco did.

A moment of silence, and then...

"The entire pillow is tainted."

**3.** Scorpius Malfoy was practicing his cool-person-glare on the spider across from him. Whenever anyone else saw it, they were so intimidated by his undiluted suavity they stumbled awkwardly away.

But not this spider.

"Hey..._Arachne_, is it? How about you run off and find some of your eight-eyed friends." Scorpius attempted, flipping his platinum blonde hair like Justin Beiber reborn.

The spider scuttled maybe an inch towards Scorpius, who closed his eyes and groaned. Maybe Scorpius had lost his cool. He had heard of this happening...

An image of himself dressed in oversized high-water trousers up to his waist with a clunky black pleather belt and his shirt tucked in with a pocket protector full of quills and his tie neatly done, with his blonde hair slicked back slid unbidden into Scorpius's mind. The thought terrified him. Astoria, his mother, had warned him about this: _"If you ever feel wildly uncool or have a sudden urge to cry in the girl's bathroom, it means that my cool-genes' intervention has failed and you are turning into your father. If this happens, find some cronies and prepare yourself for a life of failure."_

Scorpius wasn't ready for a life of failure. He played Quidditch! He had a girlfriend! His family was rich and powerful!

Suddenly, he froze. _Dear Merlin, I'm Draco!_

Scorpius's life of cool flashed before his eyes as he lowered himself unsteadily onto his bed. His first look of disdain, his mother slipping potions into his father's coffee so he couldn't come along when they went robe-shopping and insist on something lame...

HIs eyes snapped open and he leapt up. "Parkinson!" he cried.

Thaddeus Parkinson sauntered over from his bed, the fans he had recently installed blowing his hair around and showcasing his urbane face.

Scorpius was struck with envy, an emotion he was not familiar with. Could he still pull that off? He and Thaddeus had practiced their cool-person-saunter for hours together in first year. They had bonded over it. Now, they told each other everything and were completely honest up until the point when they stabbed each other in the back, like the best friends of old.

"Thad, am I still cool?" Scorpius asked carefully, trying not to let his desperation show.

Thaddeus did a double-take, his silky black hair whipping around luxuriously, and quirked a plucked eyebrow from under his sunglasses.

"Scorp, you're totes cool." Thaddeus replied with a silky laugh.

"For rizzle? 'Cuz my mom says I might not be." Scorpius replied.

"Whoa, slow down! _Nothing's _lamer than doubting your cool or mentioning your mother. So let's try that again." Thaddeus had whipped off his sunglasses to get a closer look at his friend.

"Oh, right. I forgot; I'm _always _cool!" Scorpius amended, and they both erupted into cool person laughter.

"So, Thad, I've got a cool person challenge for you. From one cool person to another." Scorpius said after a moment of silence once they had finished the customary cool person post-laugh eye-wipe.

"Let's hear it." Thaddeus replied, lounging debonairly on the plush silk chaise he'd brought from home for moments like these.

"You have to cool-person-influence that spider into leaving." Scorpius challenged, smirking and gesturing to the offensive arachnid.

"Oh, it's on." Thaddeus replied, and immediately stood and turned to face the spider. He hung his sunglasses off of his collar, loosened his tie, shoved his hands deep into his pockets, and let out a booming laugh. The fans were still on, and the magically-enforced mood lighting switched to a yellow that highlighted just how cool he was. Autumn leaves blew around him.

The spider did not move.

Thaddeus paused, and slowly put on his sunglasses, then swiped them back off, turning to stare at the spider. "Yo, I'm Thad. Don't I have a class with you or something?"

The spider, unlike the legions of girls who had met this statement, did not giggle uncontrollably and twirl its hair.

Thaddeus looked deeply shocked. Everything he'd ever thought he'd known had been proven false; the very foundation of his life was quivering dangerously. He opened and closed his mouth dumbly, searching for words.

Scorpius and Thaddeus turned, as if seeing each other for the first time. Each had a tear glimmering in the corner of his eye, and with matching loud wails of despair, they ran into each other's arms, blathering wetly about the end of an era. Their hysterical sobs filled the air, abruptly stopping all conversations within a 10-yard radius.

The spider slunk silently away, disturbed.

**You just can't help but love Slytherin-bashing, now can you? Review!**


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